The protocol:
Order one "whiskey and Coke" with the house (well) whiskey. Unleash Breathalyzers, thermometers, stopwatches and brand-name snobbery to crown the most potent potion for your palate.
The subjects:
We sampled six bars spread geographically across the 310, 323, and 213, all of them chosen for their established "divey-ness" and unwelcoming monikers: Snake Pit, The Shack, Little Joy.
Our Findings:
Lab location: Cabo Cantina
Table of Elements: Jack Daniel's (1.5oz) + soda gun (7oz) + H20 (frozen)
Hypothesis: We expected Jack to be the well whiskey at a place with paparazzi out front. It was poured for $5.50 into a pint glass, and we anticipated pleasant results from the intercept of the x-axis (“cheap”) with the y-axis (“huge”).
Results: As the only outdoor dive bar in the experiment, it demonstrated the devastating impact of global warming. Exposure to the sun raised the temperature of the cocktail to the warmest in the experiment: 40º. Most important, after downing the 16-ounce drink, we only registered a .02 BAC. At this rate, you could drink a gallon of the stuff before hitting the .08 danger zone.
Lab location: Little Joy
Table of Elements: Jim Beam (1.5oz) + Coca-Cola (poured directly from a two-liter bottle) + H20 (frozen)
Hypothesis: Little Joy’s 36°cocktail was made with name-brand liquor and top-shelf cola and served in a giant red plastic cup for only $3 during happy hour. Somebody page the lab assistant: We’re going to need a ride home.
Results: This concoction tasted like it had been given an H2O diffusion. Blowing a measly .02 in the Breathalyzer makes it equal to swooshing around Scope in the morning. Cancel the lab assistant.
Lab location: The Shack
Table of Elements: "Clan McGregor Scotch Whiskey Blend" (1oz) + soda gun +H20 (frozen)
Hypothesis: Professor Google told me this bland whiskey of vague Scottish origin was known for having "no reputation except that it is always on the bottom shelf." It goes for $10 a bottle if you can find it in a store. At this Philadelphia sports fan's bar, it goes for a reasonable $5 a cup. The chemist behind the bar must have lost her bottle stopper—she poured for nearly 4 seconds.
Results: What a catalyst! A scientist of my size (150 lbs) is supposed to register a .04 after one cocktail…but the Shack’s single drink doubled that! Dear Metromix, start plotting the next study: “Hangover Chemistry.”
Lab location: Ye Coach & Horses
Table of Elements: Early Times Whiskey (?) + Soda Gun (?) + ? (?)
Hypothesis: Eerie green chandeliers and the sinister "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall" from "Sleeping Beauty" make this lab look like the rarely seen "saloon" inside Disney's Haunted Mansion. A $6 drink on Sunset Boulevard deserves a thorough inspection.
Results: Forgettable. While the perpetual Halloween vibe could be considered a bonus by some, it compromised the naked eye’s ability to read precise scientific measurement. The scratches on our notepad we could discern read "halfway drunk," "warm," "most expensive," and "tastes like the syrup dispenser at IHOP."
Lab location: The Snake Pit
Table of Elements: Ancient Age Whiskey (2oz) + soda gun (4oz) + H20 (frozen)
Hypothesis: Trying to "Out-old" Ye Coach & Horses, the Snake Pit regresses from “Early Times” to “Ancient Age” with its well whiskey (see photo). It’s priced identically at $6 a pour. Question is: Would it actually get me drunk and taste good?
Results: The Breathalyzer nearly dissolved when we blew a .15 after just one “experiment” here. For reference, Lindsay Lohan’s most recent DUI with a side of carjacking scored a .13 on the Santa Monica Police Department’s Breathalyzer. Mel Gibson blew a .12 during his infamous PCH incident. Even Paris, who, when first arrested, said she only had one margarita, blew a .08. A second test revealed a more appropriate though still strong .09.
Lab location: Power House
Table of Elements: Jim Beam (4 seconds) + soda gun (3 seconds) + H20 (frozen)
Hypothesis: This enclave of grit leers across the street at Hollywood & Highland’s oasis of glitz. The Power House is an archetypal dive, except that this scientist spied Colin Farrell drinking at 5 p.m. on a Monday. They poured for a doctorate-worthy four seconds and only charged $5.25.
Results: The Breathalyzer registered .04. The lab assistant noted a strong odor of "gross whiskey breath" following the test. Perhaps this was due to the Power House’s “no fruit” rule. Bring your own citrus for future tests here.
Study Findings:
Cheapest: Little Joy ($3 during happy hour/$4 during regular hours)
Coldest: Little Joy (4 degrees above freezing)
Strongest: The Snake Pit (.09)
Metromix-Nobel Prize in Chemistry:
This award goes to the Snake Pit because in "dive-bar chemistry" as in life, the only number that matters is the one that registers on the Breathalyzer.
