Nightlife wars: Team L.C. vs. Team Heidi

Forget Hillary and Barack: The true battle royal is between “The Hills” starlets—and ex-BFFs—Lauren “L.C.” Conrad and Heidi Montag.

So who really owns L.A.—Lauren or Heidi? To decide once and for all, we added up the essential L.A. bars and clubs where L.C., Heidi and their stylish crews go each week to release their inhibitions and feel the rain on their skin.

Let the battle begin.

Team L.C.
Since her epic 45-minute move from Laguna Beach to L.A., Lauren’s had to deal with loser ex-boyfriends (like Jason) and double-crossing ex-best friends (Jen and a dark underlord named Spencer Pratt). But it was roommate Heidi’s betrayal—and allegations of a sex tape—that sent Lauren over the edge and into the arms of…pretty much any guy with a pulse and zero job prospects.

Will L.C. ever break her post-Jason one-date curse? As the philosopher Justin Bobby once put it, “Truth and time tells all.”

Lola’s
Lola’s is L.A.’s home of a thousand martinis. It was also the setting for one awkward double date including L.C., Audrina and their personal-trainer friends (gross!). Earlier in the day, L.C. and Audrina had called Lola’s one of their favorite restaurants in town, but an apple martini the size of Spencer’s head wouldn’t have been libation enough to save this date.

The Boulevard Lounge
This WeHo lounge is Team L.C.’s favorite place to dish about guys named Justin, Bobby or any combination of the two.

Opera
JFK conspiracy buffs have the grassy knoll. Alien enthusiasts have Area 51. Devoted followers of the train wreck that is the Justin Bobby/Audrina relationship now have L.A. nightspot Opera as ground zero for possibly the greatest denial of blatant cheating in reality TV history. If you believe Justin Bobby, nothing happened here. If you believe Audrina, Lauren and your own eyes—the entire incident was filmed by the MTV crew—you'd leave J.B. faster than Spencer can grow a creepy albino beard.

Hyde Lounge
Before their earth-shattering split—the aftershocks of which could be felt as far away as Laguna Beach—Heidi threw a surprise 21st-birthday bash for Lauren at this TMZ-approved nightspot just off the Sunset Strip. To keep the party secret, Heidi lied to Lauren, pretending to bail on the birthday girl at the last minute to go see Spencer. Foreshadowing, anyone?

Team Heidi
Yes, the “new” Heidi bears little resemblance to Season 1 Heidi (new boobs, new nose, new no friends), and boyfriend Spencer has become a dead ringer for Chester Cheetah, but so what? While Lauren is off boohooing in a corner after a string of failed first dates, Heidi has moved into her own place (with Spencer), gotten engaged and un-engaged (to Spencer) and stolen a promotion (with Spencer’s blessing).

And did we mention her new boobs?

Area
“Hills” fanatics will recall Area as the L.A. nightspot Spencer showed up at with Audrina while Heidi was working the door (OMG!). Although both Heidi and L.C. called this Bolthouse hot spot their drunken home away from home before their sex-tape-rumor-fueled feud, we're giving this one to Heidi. As mistress of the door, Heidi now has control over who gets in (Spence and friends) and who doesn’t (rhymes with Shlauren Shonrad).

Don Antonio’s
Heidi and the Spencenator boasted that they hit up this Mexican joint so often their table should get a plaque. But Season 2 buffs will remember Don Antonio’s as the place Spencer offers to take Audrina to the night after his date with...Heidi. Maybe the plaque should read “Spencer plus one.”

Ketchup
Proof that there is a God, and that she watches reality TV: Jason and L.C. go out to hip condiment-themed Hollywood eatery Ketchup, and in walk mortal enemies Spencer and Heidi. The result: high tension, high drama and the first use of a Shirley Temple as a cold war tactic in television history. Damn, “The Hills” is a good show.

Les Deux
Just like Larry Craig's now-legendary bathroom stall at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, it's hard to hit up Les Deux and not re-enact the volcanic confrontation between Lauren and Heidi. (“You know what you did!” “What did I do?” “You know what you did!” Classic.) This season's Les Deux cameo is no less painful for L.C.; just two days into her Paris trip, Lauren's sorta-kinda-boyfriend Brody is caught putting the moves (“Hey, wanna see my iPhone?”) on a new girl.


Team TBD

Goa
Our trick for beating one of the tightest velvet ropes in L.A.? Come with your own crew of MTV videographers, producers and writers (oh yeah, we forgot, all this stuff is real). Heidi and L.C. are rumored to have filmed an “impromptu” dance-off on the Goa dance floor, when each “randomly showed up”—with crew in tow, of course—at the same Cahuenga Corridor club. On the same night. At the same time. (Man, you couldn't write this stuff…) We can hardly contain ourselves anticipating who won.