The douchiest bar in L.A.

Behold: the d-bag is his natural habitat

The Saddle Ranch Chop House on the Sunset Strip might not be the absolute douche baggiest place in L.A., but on a bustling night it can certainly hold its own among the elite d-bag establishments. That's according to Jay Louis, author of the popular blog and recently released book "Hot Chicks with Douchebags" and a self-made expert in a newly created branch of social science: douchebaggery.

What exactly is a douchebag? According to Louis' very funny book, douchebags are heterosexual males who wear pretentious, carefully sculpted hairstyles—ranging from the spiky gelled look to the mild faux-hawk—atop their chronically shiny foreheads. Their shirts, often hanging open or discarded completely in order to show off their strangely hairless man-racks, carry the labels Affliction, Ed Hardy, Christian Audigier or any other such proprietor of slick-but-not-particularly-classy apparel. These man-boys may sport "bad dude" tattoos on their biceps and forearms, "mandanas" on or just below their precious locks, and black wristbands between their bulging "guns" and their shifty, hot-girl-grabbing hands. Sometimes a tilty baseball cap and/or ironically big sunglasses cling to their ego-inflated heads.

"They read 'The Game' like 50 times, and they seem to think this is all part of 'peacocking,'" says Louis, referencing the so-called bible of picking up chicks and its terms for dressing up. "Someone needed to call them out. I think they probably know on some level they have to take a little abuse for their ridiculousness."

Though Saddle Ranch's over-the-top Western decor seems hokey and innocent, it's no wonder the place attracts d-bags in spades. First off, there's the location: the Sunset Strip. Second, like many nightlife emporiums in L.A., Saddle Ranch has co-opted a random theme, then melded it with generic 21st-century American consumerism and a generous helping of hedonistic youth-culture naughtiness. This unholy combo is similar to the pastiche upon which the douchebag lifestyle is based.

"They're all 'gangstas,'" Louis explains. "They all think they're packing heat and living 'The Godfather' or 'Scarface.' It's like: 'Stop it—your father's a dentist!'"

Look past the douchebag's attire and accouterments, says Louis, and you'll notice a colorful world of distinct mannerisms. Note their pseudo-gangsta hand signals and sneering "kissy lips" when vulturing over a young lady in a photo, or the hardcore hip-hop tastes and affectations they appropriate in the most shrill and superficial ways. Finally, marvel at their voracious scamming on and hooking up with the indisputably hot and sometimes kindhearted girls at clubs and parties.

Our waitress, Nikki, seems a pitch-perfect example of the douchebag's prey—the hot chick. A tanned, pretty Texan  with an awesome Valley girl twang, Nikki instantly lasers in on the concept of hot chicks with douchebags but emphatically insists she's not that type of girl. "L.A. is the city for that couple. I'm a personality person, and that's really rare here. I'm single." She does, however, get "bag-swooped" on a regular basis. "As the night goes on, they get drunker, they get liquid courage," she says. "One guy's cheesy pickup line was, 'God had a really good day when he made you.'"

Certainly, the joint's menacing mechanical bull must somehow symbolize the d-bag z-geist. Perhaps the d-bag is a modern-day bull fighter, a vigorous dandy swathed in magnificent garments, pirouetting nimbly before taking down the wild, potentially ornery hot chick. Or maybe the douchebag riding the bull is subliminally meant to suggest the hot chick riding the douchebag.

Those seeking an introductory education in douchebaggery would be well advised to take Louis' book to the Saddle Ranch and alternate between deep reading of the text and wide-eyed observation of the surroundings.

"I love doing it," Louis says of his book and his constantly updated blog. "The responses I get are amazing. My readers are the most articulate, hilarious people, and I can't believe how funny they are." In chronicling some of the most superficial people on the planet, Louis references Socrates, Jean-Paul Sartre and the Kronos Quartet. "Because I try to be a little intellectual sometimes on it, I've attracted an intellectual crowd that can be very stupid and funny at the same time."

On the hunt for d-bags in their natural habitat? Follow this link with caution»