Ask a comic: Chad Fogland

The Fogland teaches you a thing... or two

Q: Dear comedian: How does one tactfully suggest to a friend that he f*cking stop texting all the time? Seriously, it's redonkulous—he might as well be playing Gameboy when we hang out. Do I sound uptight? Shoot, now I asked you two questions.

A: Well, to do something tactfully in this day and age is like asking Stephen Hawking to please slam-dunk a basketball.  Frankly, in this new world of speedy replies and instant messages, one needs to take a more un-subtle approach or risk being overlooked.

So, to stop a friend from texting all the time, I would do the following: Send the friend an e-mail, a postcard, a letter, a FedEx priority letter, a singing telegram, a sky-written message and also a carrier pigeon bearing the request to please stop f*cking texting all the time. Simultaneously, I'd also set up an Evite invitation, a Myspace page, a Friendster page (no—scratch the Friendster page) and a Facebook page, all devoted to the "Origination to Stop Said Friend from Texting All the Time," better known as "OSSFTAT." And in the end, the last thing I would do is send the following text message: "If U R reading this, U text 2 much, A-Hole!... Not LOL"

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