It's not often that we get a brush with royalty, so when the Queen of Mean, insult genius Lisa Lampanelli, agreed to step in as a guest counselor for Ask a Comic, we bowed down and let her reign. Below, find one reader’s question about self-betterment. (Note: This is the unedited version, so brace your brain's tender center for some serious political incorrectness.)
"Dear Comic: I think I may be too nice. Or just spineless. I'm always worried about making people mad, or being annoying, or taking more than my fair share of things. I actually don't even think I'm nice, so much as terrified of having people hate me. Got any advice for someone who apologizes after being bumped into, wrings their hands after every conversation and feels like a total bastard taking the last cookie? How big of a jerk should a person be these days in order to achieve a balanced psyche?"
Dear Loser,
First and foremost, let's start by you apologizing to me for having to read your pathetic, whiny letter. (Pause for apology). Thank you. Now, from the description of your personality, you seem to be suffering from a social disorder psychologists refer to as "being a pussy."
You fear people are not going to like you, and that this will ultimately lead to loneliness. That is simply a matter of faulty thinking on your part—it's just not true!
Take Donald Trump, for instance. Everyone in the free world knows that windbag is a pompous ass, and is he lonely? No! He marries a new Miss America more often than most people trade in cars.
Or take even one of my favorite gals, sweet little Pam Anderson. That is one opinionated bitch! She won't shut up about those goddamned animals—a completely irritating trait—yet she's a huge successful woman with two amazing assets who's anything but lonely.
The secret is simple, douchecock. Stop worrying about what people think of your personality. If you're a woman, get a huge set of fake cans, hair extensions, and a personal trainer. If you're a man, get rich. Either way, you'll have so many people kissing your ass, it won't ever occur to you that they all secretly hate you.
So, go out there, asswipe, and grow a pair of balls or ovaries and live your life the way you want to! No one gives you anything in this world—you have to take it. Whether you¹re an asshole or not, when you take it is up to you. By writing this letter it shows you want help now, so right now, get up, hop in your AMC Pacer and give someone the finger on the freeway. Or kick a homeless person. Better still, insult someone to the point of tears and see how good it feels.
Need more advice? Browse our archives of comedic wisdom»
