Every now and again, we like to sneak up on comedians and force them to solve your problems. One befuddled reader needed advice on both green commuting and slimming down, and our favorite awkwardly non-gay comedic duo, Neil Campbell and Paul Rust, stepped in to offer their guidance.


Q: Dear comedians: I'm considering riding my bike to work. It's a step in the right direction geopolitically, and all that pedaling might reduce my love handles. But in your opinion, is it worth the risk of traffic fatalities and sweatiness? And does anything I do in this world really matter?

A: Oh, so you're the fella who keeps riding his bike in front of us on our way to work?! Thanks for slowing down traffic, tubby! Y'know, if I wanted to see a hippo ride a bike... I'd go to the zoo! Or something! You call those "love handles"? More like, "Big Love handles"! Only guess what? You ain't got three wives and I ain't no HBO subscriber! But yeah, they are handles, all right. Handles that we'll hold onto... as we throw you into the garbage! Looks like the dump's gonna be having a sale on lard! And while you're there at the dump, why don't you read that old "Entertainment Weekly" (with David Duchovny on the cover) I accidentally threw away, ya fat f*ck! Well, I think that answers your first question. To answer your second question, of course everything you do matters. We all share this planet and one man's smallest gesture can change the world in the greatest ways. Or ain't you seen The Butterfly Effect, ya stupid fat idiot?!

Neil Campbell and Paul Rust perform every Friday at 11 p.m. at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater as members of the Last Day of School improv team. You can also catch them in "Fireball Deluxe: Dadquest" this Friday, Dec. 14 at UCB . They're kind of total jerks, but sometimes not.

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