Mascot deathmatch: Bruin vs. Trojan

(Credit: Composite: Mark Peterson / Photo: Aimee Brodeur)

Football players are interesting to watch, but armor-plated soldiers and feral animals are even better.

In the days leading up to the USC-UCLA football game, analysts and armchair quarterbacks across the country will break down every aspect of the teams to predict which of the rival universities will triumph. At Metromix, we’re less interested in passing games and run defenses. We want to get to the marrow: the battle of the mascots.

We’re not talking about a frat boy with a sword against a frat boy in a bear suit. We wanted to know who would win in a real-life battle between a Trojan soldier and a California bruin.

USC didn’t return our call. UCLA declined to participate. It’s a touchy subject, we understand, so we went further afield and found experts with extensive scholarly backgrounds and an appreciation for hypothetical death matches. Not surprisingly, they had different takes on the question.

Team Trojan
Eric Cline, chair the of department of classical and Semitic languages and literatures at George Washington University, said as long as the Trojan wields his weapon of choice, the bear is toast.

“I’d say unfortunately the Trojan is going to take the bear every time,” he said. “One major reason, and it’s something that’s not depicted in the USC mascot, is a real Trojan has a couple spears. He will either throw the spears or jab it.”

Full disclosure: Cline, who spent much of his childhood in L.A., picked against the team he rooted for as a boy. His father was a well-respected doctor at UCLA Medical Center, and Cline attended many USC-UCLA games while growing up. Making matters more complicated, his father-in-law recently retired as dean of the USC School of Architecture. We say that makes him impartial, and a very tortured man.

Team Bruin
Gary Lewis, author of “Black Bear Hunting: Expert Strategies for Success,” warned against underestimating Ursus arctos californicus.

“The brown bear can run faster than almost any animal,” he said. “They’re very hard to subdue and very unpredictable. You cannot trust that they’ve expired until you hear the death rattle.” Pardon? There is such a thing as a death rattle? Lewis said it sounds like a moan.

“In close quarters the bear definitely has the advantage,” said Lewis, based in Bend, Ore. The brown bear can be 10 feet tall, and its clawspan (a word we just invented) is longer than its height. Brutal.

If the Trojan is packing spears, Lewis said he has a chance, but he’d better be a good shot—and have an arsenal. “It would take several [spears],” he said.

Endangerous territory
You’re only as good as your last game, and the experts noted that history has been unkind to both mascots. Brown bears haven’t been seen in California or Oregon since the early 20th century, Lewis said. As for the men of Troy: “There are 11 colleges with Trojans for mascots,” Cline said. “No one takes into account that in the real war, the Trojans lost.”

So while it seems a well-equipped soldier of Troy could take a bear, without spears he’d be a midnight snack. As for the football game, find out who will rise victorious in the epic SoCal battle Saturday, Dec. 6, as the two colleges fight for their lives—or their touchdowns.

Click here for a photogallery of the 2008 Big Game tailgating »

Learn some little-known stats about the rivalry »

Check out in-depth analysis of the teams' fight songs »

See how the Trojans tailgate »