People, it's December. You have less than one month left to make 2007 a blur of ridiculous memories. Might we suggest these hand-picked happenings to keep you entertained, questioning authority, battling ninjas and observing Hanukkah? Yes? Lovely. Here's where to be this week:

Monday, December 3
Who's into Ovid's epic Roman narrative poem, "Metamorphoses?" Raise your hands! Anyone? Well, if you know it, you might dig the theatrical adaptation Polaroid Stories, which morphs the mythological setting and characters of the 2,000-year-old drama into modern urban street kids talking about their lives and struggles. Does this all sound too deep? Fine,  then we suggest taking a dive headfirst into whiskey river, and checking out Willie Nelson at the Nokia Theater downtown. Cowboy up, peeps.

Tuesday December 4
We're not sure if you're questioning the war. We hope you are. But instead of simply shaking your fist at YouTube debates, head to the Corey Helford Gallery for "? the War," a one-night show of pro-peace work by Gary Baseman, Luke Chueh, Buff Monster, Tom Neely and a slew of other ridiculously talented artists. Twenty percent of proceeds go to charities supporting veterans, and they're giving away free posters of the work. Do free posters count as "spoils of war"?

Members of the Tribe, and anyone who digs large gatherings of a festive nature, might consider heading over to Santa Monica for the start of Hanukkah Lights, where they'll be illuminating the first of eight glorious bulbs, each of which represents a day of presents and overeating. Oh, and some oil in a lamp, which was awesome.

Wednesday December 5
Folks, it's International Day of the Ninja. Take the day off work and hide behind trees. Between slealthily assassinating people, go to El Rey to see the folks from AskANinja.com answering audience members' questions with their typically violent wisdom, along with comedy sets by Patton Oswalt and Hard 'n' Phirm. And if you can't make that, you could always hit Safari Sam's to see ninja-clad musical mayhem by Ninja Academy. Actually, a real ninja would attend both. At the same time.

If ninjas scare you, and they should, hit the Avalon for Indie 103.1's Bands in Toyland show with Spoon, Sea Wolf and Datarock. If you can spare a toy, you big baby, you'll get $5 off while safely avoiding a thrashing with nunchuks.

Thursday, December 6
Ah, Janet Klein and her Parlour Boys at the Bordello: There's nothing sweeter than a tiny lady with a ukulele, singing old-timey songs in a brothel-like setting. Well, nothing except a Gang Bang. Take your pick.

Friday, December 7
Friday presents varying degrees of artsy weirdness. First there's the bogglingly detailed work of wood-burning pyrographer and "urban folk artist" Jason Houchen alongside the mixed media collage of Jordin Isip at La Luz de Jesus Gallery, located in the Wacko shop. See some art, and grab a whoopie cushion or a novelty ashtray for that special someone for Christmas. But if you'd like to go slightly more esoteric, head to High Energy Constructs for a showing of Michael Cummings semi-phallic sculptures of household goods. We find them somewhat disturbing, but that's probably the point.

If you'd like to be really disturbed, we recommend Crispin Glover's "psycho-sexual, fantastical retelling" of the life of a man with cerebral palsy. "It Is Fine! Everything Is Fine!" is screening at the Egyptian, and yes, it's likely that you will be left emotionally rattled by his film. And yes, Mr. Glover will be there—possibly with a chart or graphic aid, and probably being weird. That's why we love him.

Saturday, December 8
We know Hanukkah started on Wednesday, but we have some news: It's eight days long. This means that Saturday offers you a wacky holiday Westside Scooter Ride and dance party plus Jewish madness at the Echoplex with Dengue Fever and Balkan Beat Box for the JDubb Records' Hanukkah Tour of '07. Who's up for some Manischewitz shots?

As long as we're getting drunk for the holidays, you could actually start the Saturday morning off right by climbing into a Santa suit and drinking at noon for Santacon—which is essentailly a flash mob of piss-drunk Santas. Wear something red and fur-trimmed, meet up in downtown L.A. (the exact location has yet to be announced), and fork over $25 to the organizers to carouse around in what may be the most memorable, if not blurry, event of the holiday season.

Sunday December 9
Is Disneyland a microcosm of downtown Los Angeles? Well, last time I was chillaxing in Bunker Hill I didn't see any bears with banjos, and Peter Pan never hangs out in Little Tokyo anymore, so I'm somewhat skeptical. But Charlie Phoenix, the creator and tour guide of a six-hour school bus and walking tour themed around the "staggering similarities" between downtown and Disney, begs to differ. Discover weird fountains and Victorian architecture, watch a puppet show in historic Filipinotown and have some cake and ice cream with the group. At $65, it's less than a day-pass at Disney, and chances are you'll experience less motion sickness and screaming children, while gaining an appreciation of your urban environs. Just remember to take the mouse ears off after the tour, 'kay?

Now go fight the war, light a candle, assassinate someone, get publicly drunk and enjoy the week, my comrades.


Alie Ward is Events editor for Metromix Los Angeles and also a ninja.