Aw, love is in the air! As is Aqua Velva, industrial-strength deodorant and arctic breath spray! Comrades, we want you to wind up in the sack just as much as you do, so during the most commercially romantic week of the year, we have many an option for you lovebirds and horndogs alike.

And for the aftermath of Valentine's Day, we also offer plenty of distractions for your unfulfilled needs or newly empty pockets. From near-naked acrobats to Zooey Deschanel to strippers in Glendale to fake mustaches, consider your time well booked. Feast your calendars on the redonkulousness.

Wednesday, Feb. 13
—Beyond Baroque Free Poetry Workshop
What: Writing and then reading your poetry out loud in an empty room? Creepy and pathetic. Doing it in front of strangers for feedback? Intellectual.
Why: Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Chances are, your stabs at love poetry need a lil' work, champ.

Thursday, Feb. 14
—Lock and Key Party 
What: Girls get locks, guys gets keys, and Party Scammers makes sure that a grown man in a diaper representing Cupid keeps things weird.
Why: Because "Can I stick this in there?" almost always leads to romance.

—Casablanca at Cinespace
What: A four-course meal, champagne and a screening of long-dead actors pretending to love each other.
Why: You only have to decide on one destination, and everything is more romantical-like in black and white. And after free champagne.

—Anti-Valentine's Mystery Bus Tour
What: Head to Tiger Lily, get on a bus, and ride around drunk to secret destinations in an effort to mack on as many people as possible in one night.
Why: In matters of the heart, sometimes quantity beats quality.

Friday, Feb. 15
—St. Vincent with Foreign Born
What: Angel-voiced indie darling St. Vincent stops in L.A. and has local heroes Foreign Born open for her.
Why: Because this lineup just made us pinch ourselves (not in a kinky way, but in a happy disbelief way).

—"Gypsy" screens at the Egyptian
What: Drool-worthy Natalie Wood stars in the titular role as a stripteaser in the 1962 classic "Gypsy," screening tonight and tomorrow at the Egyptian. Are you ready for this? It's preceded up by live burlesque. Real live half-nekkid ladies!
Why: Because unlike your Valentine's date, you don't have to buy anyone dinner to see them to remove their undergarments.

Saturday, Feb. 16
—Book*smart at Largo with Zooey Deschanel 
What: 826LA raises some cash with a reading from author Julie Buxbaum and music by—heart flutter—Zooey Deschanel.
Why: We like books, but we love Zooey Deschanel.

—Lucent L'amour
What: A huge tent filled with scantily clad acrobats, art from the Do-Lab, sweaty DJs and maybe, just maybe...a lot of people on drugs.
Why: See above.

—One Scoop is Two Balls
What: Scoops, the weird awesome little gelato shop near L.A. City College, is apparently now curating art shows and has invited a gaggle of surprisingly established artists to hang their ice-cream-related drawings for a show that's as underground as it gets.
Why: Because the whole thing is just bizarre. And one scoop is two balls.

Sunday, Feb. 17
—Harlem Globetrotters at Staples
What: A team of frenzied, basketball spinning, foaming-mouthed, triple-dribbling showboaters.
Why: Because apparently, we can't get enough balls.

—Antiquarian Book Fair
What: If the excitement of walking into a library makes you have to pee a little, hit this huge fair of old books to geek out about leather binding and first editions.
Why: If you're going to complain about thick-headed d-bags hitting on you at bars, you owe it to yourself to go on a nerd hunt.

Monday, Feb. 18
—Mustache Mondays at Charlie O's
What: Instructions: Go downtown, find Charlie O's, enter bar and apply mustache.
Why: Mustaches are revoltingly effective ice breakers.

Tuesday, Feb. 19
—LACMA Matinee of "Party Girl"
What: A two-buck matinee from the director of "Rebel Without a Cause" screens at LACMA. 1958's "Party Girl" features quasi-strippers and mob bosses, just like today's movies!
Why: Because if you have nothing to do in the middle of the day, you might not have a job, or more than $2.

People, we'll see you out there. We'll be the drunk ones in the fake mustaches getting bras flung at us. But so will you.

Alie Ward is Events editor for Metromix Los Angeles.