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On Sept. 8, 1966, America first stepped aboard the deck of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Since then, it’s become apparent that a large portion of us—a fleet’s worth, let's say—never quite managed to step off again. With the arrival of the new traveling exhibition “Star Trek: the Tour ,” the gates have been opened once again for armchair captains who know the precise coordinates of the Bajoran wormhole (and for those who’d just as soon humor their boyfriends on a Saturday afternoon).

Inside the vast and suspiciously planet-shaped Queen Mary Dome, it’s easy to get lost in nostalgia for both the future and your pajama-clad past while passing under a Hummer-sized revolving model of the first Enterprise. It's all set to a soundtrack of exploding Klingon battleships in the distance and the insistent ping of familiar-sounding sonar. Inside the Encounter Room, one can feel the trepidation of being attacked by the Borg (the floor moves up and down!) while also taking a moment to pause and consider Wil Wheaton’s acting career. Yes, he appears in the Encounter Room projection, and yes, he has a goatee.

Gauge your fashion sense against a trove of Trek-related costumes. Five television series’ and ten films’ worth—from ex-Borg Seven of Nine’s spacey silver getup to the simple blue uniform of Lt. Spock, a character who gave a fearful NBC much initial concern over what they called “the weekly presence of a satanic-looking non-human.”

The main problem with an exhibition like this is that Trekkies are a little, shall we say, obsessive about the details.

Standing on the original, wonderfully kitschy Bridge, students of the Academy will no doubt declaim Spock’s missing scope and library computer, or perhaps the lack of moving images on the Bridge’s computer screens. They might also bemoan the less-than-stellar replacement of Captain Kirk’s chair (based on a 1964 Madison office chair). If so, you should set phasers to "shush" and remind them that there’re going to be many, many asteroid-sized posteriors landing there.

Say you want to test out your acting chops: With a little warp-speed memorization, there’s a chance to toss off a three-minute “episode” that has you (through the powers of green screen) right in the thick of things with Scotty and “Bones” McCoy. Representative dialogue includes:

“I need your help. I might be infected with Vegan Choriomeningitis.”

“I am a Federation representative, and you are obliged to assist me.”

“AARGH!”

The room itself is easy to find. Just cruise by the Guardian of Forever and take a left. 

It’s kind of surprising that no one thought of something like this sooner—a Barnum and Bailey’s tent where you and your favorite mathelete can walk hand-in-hand through the halls of TNG’s Enterprise (that’s “Star Trek: the Next Generation” to you, sir), inspect Captain Picard’s formal dining ware (and his liquor cabinet) or have yourself “beamed up” on a digital screen.

There’s a bit of the rinky-dink Barnum here too. Some of the digital simulations—a shuttlecraft flight bounces you around and knocks the change out of your pockets—can barely match the visuals of an Xbox 360. The Holodeck is nowhere to be found (perhaps it had to stay in dry dock). And the Ten-Forward Café offers the Chekhov Chicken Sandwich—for $7.50. Didn’t Kirk say there was no money in the future? While bouquets of alien firearms are on display under glass along with various fright-house busts of extraterrestrial characters from later series like “Deep Space Nine” and “Voyager,” if you want to feel how heavy a tricorder is, or you want to hoist a Romulan rifle—too bad. Not unlike the dusty, roped-off bedrooms of dead historical figures, one has the constant desire to leap across the tastefully futuristic dividers and grab things. Pretending to be on TV is cool and all, but nothing beats firing a few blasts from a Type-II Hand Phaser set on stun. 

Ultimately, on this mission of discovery, the fun and fantastical elements of Star Trek—silliness meets serious science—are there for those willing to squint hard enough. When you finally do make your way out into the brightness of the familiar 21st-century sunshine and the Queen Mary’s expansive parking lot, it would be wise to remember the words of Captain Kirk from “Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home”:

"Everyone remember where we parked."

"Star Trek: The Tour" touched down at the Queen Mary on Jan. 18 and stays docked until Sunday, Feb. 17.

George Ducker is a contributing editor for Metromix Los Angeles.

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