Hot & Bothered: sex toys

Dear H&B,
I was at PetSmart recently, and I noticed that lots of dog toys look just like sex toys, mainly dildos. Plus, they're a lot cheaper than toys designed for humans. But is it safe to use dog toys? Is it sterile? Am I onto something here?
Lassie Cum Home

Dear LCH,
I took a gander at the PetSmart website under “dog toys,” and it doesn’t take a collie-loving Freudian to see what you’re talking about, especially for the ladies. The Galileo Bone from Nylabone looks like it could make any gal smile, for example. For a little fetish excitement in and out of the kennel, how about the Vinyl Funny Foot, which is, yes, a human foot with candy-red nail polish that could be used in a variety of wonderfully perverse ways. And let’s not forget the Rubber Kong family of toys, which basically look like butt plugs and come in a variety of sizes. All of this stuff sells for between $1.99 and $12, considerably less than a human-sanctioned dildo, for example.

As for sanitary issues, I’m no doctor, and skin sensitivity can vary, but if you scrub these things down and snap a condom on there, why not let the self-pleasure begin? And don’t feel guilty: If dogs can use your sofa arm to get off, you can use Spot’s Vinyl Hot Dog.

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