Hot & bothered: skilled or slutty

Dear H&B,
Whenever anyone asks me how many people I've slept with, I find it hard to count because of the many encounters that have not come to complete fruition due to intoxication. What is the proper definition of sex? Does getting head but not giving it count? Does it count if we were naked, but nobody had an orgasm? What if it was SO fast, you barely noticed it happened? I'd like a concrete definition I can point to/reference.
Belt Notcher

Dear BN,
First off, who are you hanging out with that’s asking this? Unless you’re in junior high, I can’t imagine where or why this conversation takes place. Why not how many STD’s have you had? And by the way, you may want to lay off the booze when sheets-based opportunities present themselves; 80 proof foreplay is rarely a friend of Uncle Ding Dong. 

While there’s nothing wrong with experience and all the righteous good times—and mortifying failures—that go along with it, the notion of keeping a sexual scorecard is meaningless. Does a lengthy dirty laundry list of yawn inducing encounters trump mind-blowing gratification with a handful of people? Of course not. The definition of “sex” is pretty broad, as Bill Clinton will tell you. Does oral sex qualify? How about its desperate, lonely cousin, Mr. Hand Job? Sort of, kind of, but not really. Look, passing out on the front lawn overnight doesn’t mean you’ve been camping. You want concrete? Intercourse, my friend, plain and simple. 

Dying to get some? (Sex advice, that is.)
E-mail hotandbothered@metromix.com. Hot & Bothered will run every week in Metromix.

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