2008 Coachella survival guide

Heat wave: Coachella by day (Credit: Goldenvoice)

Not everyone's cut out for Coachella.

Even from the deceptively close confines of Los Angeles, the pilgrimage into the desert is a serious undertaking not for the weak-hearted. It sounds dramatic until you’ve seen someone pass out from exhaustion during the Pixies reunion set in 2004 or had to transport a hysterical woman back to her hotel after a particularly hairy drug meltdown. When your game’s not tight, Coachella can be a harsh mistress.

But with a little strategy, the right attitude, and the fortitude to take in as many bands, house parties and ever-increasing Coachella-based events springing up in the area, the weekend will be one to remember for all the right reasons.

And for those who just use Coachella as an excuse to hit Palm Springs, lounge by a pool drinking mimosas, go to swanky sponsored soirees, and maybe get to the polo grounds once or twice over the weekend, we salute you too.

Compassionate to the agony of exclusion, we've compiled strategies to overcome Coachella's most daunting obstacles. Let us show you how to beat the man and join the fun.

But duuuude, it's really far
We hear you, friends. Coachella Valley is a remote, dusty place surrounded by Wal-Marts, meth labs and The Retired. And it's no secret that gas is inching toward the $4/gallon mark. To combat the tedium of thousands of crooked Joshua trees blurring past the window and the panic of your money evaporating before you hit the 15, we recommend carpooling with attractive people…or scanning the local classifieds for a used but reliable teleportation device. Or you could go Woodstock-style by taking Amtrak's free Coachella Express train—it's just for the weekend and strictly for campers. We want stories, people!

It starts on Friday, but hello—I have a job
This one's easy. Not even a problem. Tell your boss you have diarrhea. No matter what their management tactics, no one can argue with diarrhea. (For the faint of heart, a pained expression and the term "stomach issues" might suffice, provided that you appear to be sufficiently mortified.) If your job sucks, this is perfect opportunity to quit and spend the weekend having fun with your friends and planning your next employment opportunity, recession be damned.

My music snob friends say the lineup sucks this year
No offense, but your music snob friends are idiots. With the 11th-hour addition of Prince on top of the previously announced awesomeness that is Portishead, the Verve, Aphex Twin, Erol Alkan, M.I.A., the Raconteurs, Kraftwerk, Chromeo, Death Cab For Cutie…shall we go on? That's right, 2008 is chock-full of amazing music, making this the strongest line-up since 2004 with Radiohead and the Pixies. And can we leave Jack Johnson alone already? He's a nice enough guy, and your cute little niece probably loves his songs from the "Curious George" movie.

What wristband?
Ah, yes—tickets. As an attractive lady friend said without shame or hesitation, "We're hot girls. We don't need tickets." Use this strategy to befriend insecure interns from a radio station or to seduce the gullible before disappearing into the crowd with their extra pass. Not born with ovaries? Simply cruise message boards for people on the verge of eviction and in need of quick cash. Or man up and buy tickets. You do have a job, right?

Don't you know who I am?
For some, a mere ticket is not enough. It's all about scoring a precious VIP bracelet, which gets you into the tented area where you can hobnob with celebrities, do shots with the gregarious bartenders at the rockin' VIP bar, and spy on musicians when they're not onstage or hanging with the other bands in the artists-only area. Getting your hands on these treasured credentials can require not just knowing somebody, but being somebody. Like tickets, VIP bracelets do seem easier to obtain when you're a hot girl, but they're still the holy grail of the Coachella hang.

OK, we're here and my feet hurt
Accept that unless you are a musician with a golf cart, you will walk an average of 10 miles a day on the lush, grassy expanse of the polo field, which is drenched daily with enough water to empty the Caspian Sea. Prepare to go barefoot for some of it (ladies, this means pedicures), but otherwise wear shoes sensible to the point of embarrassment. Trust us—orthopedics are hot kicks.

Follow that Prius! Navigating the Coachella party circuit
While Coachella’s obvious draw is the music, the roaming party scene that has sprung up around it is just as necessary. Finding these exclusive soirees generally requires at least one person in your party knowing people who know what’s up. If you aren't on every hip L.A.  e-mail list yet, get on them all immediately. Last resort, you can always cozy up to a scene celebrity like Steve Aoki or Danny Masterson.

Second-day-sunburn shame, aka "The ladies call me Lobster"
If you're attending for more than one day, have a strategy to cope with second-day-sunburn shame. Remember—from the moment you get into your Coachella-bound car—to butter yourself in SPF 80, or to consider an ironic hipster burqa. For the record, we're expecting preppy fishing hats and the omnipresent fedora to be this year's headgear fashion statements.

Can I crash? No? That's cool
Unless you have some baller friends with a booze-sponsored Coachella House™ or a dead aunt's empty condo, plan a strategy for where you will crash. Approach this fearlessly. Remember that everyone is sweaty and covered in a fine layer of desert sand, and no one's feet are clean. In past years, a certain MMX Events editor has slept outdoors on dewy pool furniture outside Madonna's hotel, and in the passenger seat of a Subaru, which reached broiling temperatures over 100 degrees by 7:30 a.m. Wake up, head to a Jack in the Box bathroom, brush your teeth, and get ready for a kick-ass set by Jack Johnson. Or rather, Justice. Or Vampire Weekend. Or Kraftwerk. Or MGMT. Or St. Vincent. Or Spank Rock. Or Tegan and Sara…

Alie Ward is Events editor for Metromix Los Angeles and would like to sleep on your floor.

Scott T. Sterling is Music editor for Metromix Los Angeles and is counting the hours until Aphex Twin's set.