(Credit: istock)
The return to infancy plan
The concept: When full-size humans eat like toothless babies, guess what happens? They get smaller.
The celebrities: French fashion designer Hedi Slimane, who many credit for inspiring the international skinny jean craze, launched the fad diet. Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon followed.
The diet: Nutrient-rich, mushy baby food and more nutrient-rich, mushy baby food. Slimane, a baby purist (or pure baby?) ate only that for days on end to maintain his slim A-list figure. Aniston and Witherspoon have been known to incorporate one "adult" meal into their day of acting, er, eating the part of baby. And though it hasn't been noted (yet) amongst baby food enthusiasts, we think we found a new way to relive our raver days. Pacifier, anyone?
The sked: Slimane infuses a few weeks of baby food for every few months of adult reality.
The pros: Baby food is packed with nutrients, and, as a substitute for a snack, can be quite healthy. Plus, think how much cheaper a pot of Gerber mush that's supposed to taste like mac ’n’ cheese is than real mac ’n’ cheese at your favorite bistro.
The cons: Why eat pre-pulverized slop when you were blessed with teeth? Eating from a tiny jar with a teeny-tiny spoon at work may inhibit your co-workers from taking your seriously…unless you work in the entertainment or fashion business.
Living la vida cruda
The concept: Why risk ruining the nutritional value of food by heating it above 116 degrees when you can eat it the same way Cro-Magnon man did: raw.
The celebrities: Alicia Silverstone, Demi Moore and Uma Thurman.
The diet: Fruit, veggies, nuts, seeds, beans, seaweed, grains, chocolate and even peanut butter, as long as they are all uncooked and unprocessed.
The sked: Start out with a month-long test period, rawists says, and you'll feel and look so good you won't want to go back.
The pros: Alicia and Demi both insist that their young, flawless skin, svelte figures and boundless energy have to do with their uncooked, vegan diets. Raw fruits and vegetables contain far more vitamins, minerals and antioxidants than their cooked versions, which can help fend off disease and signs of aging.
The cons: Stick around a raw restaurant for a few hours and you will find emaciated evidence of raw gone wrong—um, unless you're into that. Getting all the nutrients you need—in particular, protein—takes diligence. Then there's the fact that you have to say goodbye to freshly baked bread, steak…and all those other yummy parts of life.
The spicy actress fast
The concept: The aim of this fast is to lose tons of weight quickly so as to look good when your nude body is enlarged and projected on to the silver screen. If while reading the following, you start to find the logic suspect, this is not for you. The "Spicy Actress Fast" is best for people who are turned on by illogical challenges.
The celebrities: Robin Quivers, Denzel Washington and Beyoncé Knowles, who famously announced that she had lost 20 pounds on the fast to prepare for "Dreamgirls."
The diet: Not much. If you live in L.A., surely you've already watched at least three people shrink on a Master Cleanse diet of fresh lemon juice, cayenne pepper, maple syrup and water. Thankfully, one is also encouraged to delight in a nightcap of water and sea salt, but be sure to stockpile on extra sheets and mattress pads...and maybe even bedwetter's PJs, while you're at it.
The sked: At least 10 days.
The pros: All-you-can-eat lemon and cayenne! Even if you binge on this tantalizing vitamin C–heavy mixture, you'll still lose weight. With all those laxatives you'll feel clean and empty inside. Your skin may clear up, you may feel as if you're floating above the world, full of energy and high, even before your daily dose of uppers! What's more, cayenne is an aphrodisiac—so your cravings for one type of meat will be replaced by another, less caloric kind.
The cons: Weak and irritable, you might ruin some relationships over the course of the cleanse. Also, there is no hard evidence to suggest that it actually does rid your body of toxins or improve your health.
The purist fast
The concept: Believe it or not, there are people out there who fast not just to look good naked but to improve their physical and spiritual health.
The celebrities: Woody Harrelson and Steven Spielberg.
What you can eat: Nothing, either for 24 consecutive hours every week or for an extended period every few months. Juice is acceptable at many spas, but true purists laud the benefits of water-only for a short period of time. By taking in zero calories and sugars, you give your pancreas a rest, the theory goes, reducing your taste for sugar and resetting your system.
The sked: Woody Harrelson has been known to fast for more than five weeks at a time, only drinking green juice. The process expanded his electro-magnetic fields, he told fans, and made him look and feel younger. Fasting for just one day may be a more realistic option, and still offers cleansing benefits. Or one could pay several thousand dollars to subsist on celery broth and juice under the supervision of experts at an elite clinic like the Buchinger in Germany.
The pros: Occasional fasting has been shown to extend life in rats. Humans in Hollywood clubs often resemble rats, so we can deduce that it will thereby extend man's mortality as well. Fasting can help ward off a range of intestinal problems, doctors say, and helps our minds to become sharper.
The cons: Fast for too long and the body starts to break down muscle and release toxins. Fast way too long and you die.
Hypno-highpro body reset method
The concept: Cut out the carbs and eat lots of protein (hence "highpro"), with the aid of hypnosis (therefore "hypno").
The celebrities: Lily Allen claims to have gone from a size 12 to an 8 with the help of hypnosis. Jennifer Aniston, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump and even P. Diddy swear by low-carb diets. We now offer celebutantes the opportunity to be the first to embrace the new "Hypno-Highpro Body Reset Method"—a blend between the two schools of thought.
The plan: Stock your house with protein—steak, chicken, eel, etc. Remove all tempting starches. Then go to a hypnotherapist and request to be hypnotized not to touch any food with more than 5 grams of carbs.
The sked: One month—the effects of hypnotherapy tend to wear off after that.
The pros: You will feel more energetic if you eat primarily protein and begin to lose your craving for ugly little carbs, according to the South Beach, Zone and Atkins diets and the Reset Method, a cleanse that is currently trendy in Japan. Of course, you will lose weight as well.
The cons: Hypnotherapy is expensive—at least $150 a session for a certified hypnotherapist. Plus, you likely will not get enough fiber, vitamin E, iron, magnesium or folate (not that you got enough before). A low-carb diet causes more fat to be broken down, which may cause bad breath. So, even if you're super-skinny, no one will want to kiss you.
